Saturday, January 9, 2010

Life in the Fast Lane

As I sit here in my lovely bed at 12:37 in the afternoon reading my recently acquired cookbook, I am contemplating the last year slash ten years of my life. Am I where I wanted to be? Did 13 year old Megan want what I am now? Would she be proud of the life I have led? I don't know. I would like to say that yes I would be, but how can I know for sure? Ten Years of my life flew by in a flash of moments. Some memorable for the obvious reasons; baby sisters, driving, graduation, college, Tyler, marriage. Others for the pain caused, and lessons learned.

Contemplation is a tricky thing, think too much and you can stir up emotions and stew on things that will never change. Think too little of them and you might miss the lesson. Learning is one of the easiest things we can do. Learning from things is a lot harder. A LOT harder. looking back it is much easier to see the mistakes and pitfalls than the triumphs. hind sight is 20/20 I guess. Would I change the mistakes I made? I don't think I would. Although ashamed, and embarrassed, what I gained from them is far more important. The lessons learned and the direction it pushed my life after that made me a better person. Mistakes suck and although it seems I make them more often than not, I can't help but be somewhat appreciative of their positive repercussions.

Ten years is a long time , at times it seems to drag, and others it seems to scream by. What will I be in ten years from now? I hope that I can look back and realize how much better of a person I have become. I expect there to be struggles, trials, and heartaches. I know there will be joy, peace, and learning.

I met my husband 5 years ago. It is absolutely crazy to me that half of the past decade has been with him. The prior half I feel as if I was so little. So adolescent. Although part of me will always feel 18, I would like to think that the best of me is continually progressing and working toward the best me possible. I guess there is no way to tell. Blind faith and determination are all I have. They haven't failed me yet, and is definitely what has carried me through.

2009 was one of the hardest years of my life. Hands Down. To say it nicely 2009 beat the Shit out of me. It seems it was struggle upon struggle. I have never been so betrayed, beaten to an emotional thread, or hurt in my life. I have never clung to the brink of insanity the way I have this year. I have never been so OCD, so grouchy, or so lost. I was carried through most of the year by my incredible husband and merciful savior. One. Day. at. a. TIME. I know I am not the same person who started the year. 2009 Megan and 2010 Megan wouldn't recognize each other if they were standing face to face. Maybe a little worse for wear but definitely stronger, happier, more patient, and honest. I remember an article I read by Elder Scott in this years spring conference. He talks of how every time he is being tried by the lord, he thanks him. He thanks the Lord for trusting him to be able to handle this trial and for the needed lessons he is learning. He does not complain. He is patient and grateful. This has struck me and stayed with me. Although I do not have the patience of an Apostle of God, I do have his example. I strive everyday to be grateful for the Lords hand in my life, whether trial or blessings. The outcome of this year is something at times I did not think was possible. Not THIS year anyway. I am happy and content. I am a better person, a more patient friend, and less Judgmental than ever. I am more in love with my husband than I thought was possible. I am closer to my true friends, and thankful for their patience. My family has become a basic necessity to my welfare and I can't imagine a minute without them there. My savior has become the breath to my life. Although I am far from the person I want to be I am not ashamed of who I am.

This is for 2010.....Bring it on!