Ok so I know I have had a blog for a while but now that I am private I feel like this is my first real post ever. Weird? Probably. I am just thinking that I maybe I have never been able to really be myself without feeling like I am walking on eggshells. You never know who will misinterpret what or who is secretly reading your blog without your knowing, who is talking smack and who is just out to make fun of you. It is a very freeing thing, being private. Which you would not think since it is kind of an exclusive thing. But alas my friends I will say that I am really loving it!
So down to business, My life sucks lately. Let me just tell you that if you do not want to know what I am thinking and feeling, this is not the blog for you. Because guess what? This is going to be a completely honest and open blog. So here goes.
I have a group of friends, well I thought they were my friends. Turns out not so much. Am I angry....HELL YES. Am I hurt......F YES. Am I trying to get over it and be the good person I want to be? OF COURSE. But that doesn't mean that I still don't feel every emotion in the book. Seriously if you ask my husband I am either crying, t oed, or speechless. I know I am basically Jane Fonda meets Joan Cusack all the time. Needless to say I want a vent blog. That's exactly what this is....be prepared.
My husband had a group of friends that he loves very dearly. A group of friends that I have never rejected, restricted, or rebuked. I have always let him have his friends be apart of our lives. I have never not let him play with them and I always welcome them into my home and my life. Have they always reciprocated? NO. His friends were so ridiculously mean to me and him when we were first dating. His friends have made some bad decisions in their lives. Have we ever been anything but supportive and understanding? Have we only loved them and given them the benefit of the doubt? Even when we did not agree with the decisions they were making we sat by silently supporting and trying to help the best we could. We have never told them they were mean or wrong and have never said things to purposefully hurt them.
Well you would think that after 4 years, of this there would be a level of reciprocation? Nope. Not where I am concerned. I am the big bad wolf. I am horrible, I am fake and I am the worst wife in the world. I hate it. I thought we were equal, we are not. Tyler is. I am his unfortunate wife. I have had friends of my own decide not to be my friends because I was trying to be friends with everyone. I have suffered criticism from every person I held dear, because I thought someone deserved an 800th chance and that we all would want the same in return. Well it never panned out. But do I regret it? No. I learned A LOT. And although this person may not be my best friend she is still a good person and still deserves to be treated with respect. Because I want the same in return. Because I don't think that we are here to hold grudges, to hurt others, or to ruin friendships. I think that if we all thought about what we are actually here to do, there would never be an issue. So now that I am off my soap box, you are thinking...hypocrite. Take your own advice. I am. Don't worry. Now that's not to say that everyone doesn't deserve the right to work things over, to take the time they need for true forgiveness. We are all human after all. Recently, I have felt a break. I have been hurt worse than I have in a really long time. I feel like I have wasted four years of my life. Trying to get the ever crumbling group glued back together. It has been hard. It has been sacrificing, it has been heart wrenching, and I finally reached the point where I feel like I have nothing left to give. I have no more energy. I have lost my gumption and given up for defeat. That word is never something I thought I would say. I am not one to give up ever. I am one to put my shoulder to the wheel until the wheel breaks. But I am at a loss as to what I should do? I am sad and hurt and I have no more to give.
SO what happens from here? Oh don't worry suddenly everyone is all gung ho about being friends again. Now I should be happy, right? I am....... halfway anyway. Its exactly what I have been wanting for years. So why am I upset? Because they all seemed to have decided after my very bestest friend came to my aide in a time of brokenness. She rescues me and tells everyone the truth and everyone is like Yes! OK! Let's do it! Lets all be best friends! Well what a waste?! I wasted years when all I had to do was tell her to call a few people and write and incredible blog! She saved me! She saved everyone! I am a total idiot for wasting so much hard work and heartache. That's why I feel defeated. I am lost for how to feel and how to react. How could I be so stupid? The truth is... I have no idea. All I know is as of now, there is nothing I can do, but learn from it. Accept it, and forgive. And last but not least...embrace it. Which is what I am working on doing. So there it is. The suckyness of my life and why I am a slightly more disgruntled version of myself lately. So if I give you the wrong impression or you think you might have misunderstood me, or we have an issue that never has been worked out...call me. I am all about that these days.
